Parent Zone

What's going on at Decision

2010-02-15T12:14:00.005-05:00

To all our great parents out there,
We have had a great last couple months at Decision. We just finished up our Dave Ramsey "Generation Change" course and it went great. We all received a ton of help from this course regarding finances, what it means to be debt free, living with out credit cards and other important information regarding money. Challenge your kids to tithe and to save, to be good stewards of what God has given them. We will do this course again in the future as a small group so those who missed it can take it and those who want a refresher can participate as well.
We also just returned from our Winter Weekend in Columbus Ohio last Sunday. We attended the Blaze conference with Dare 2 Share ministries. What an awesome conference! We were busy but we received allot of information in that short span of time. The weekend was all about evangelism, reaching our friends as well as strangers with the gospel of Jesus Christ. They were challenged on Saturday afternoon to call or text 3 of their friends and talk to them about their personal relationship with Jesus and ask them if they could pray with them. Your teenagers did just that. Some prayed the prayer of salvation with their friends some shared the gospel and just prayed for their friends and some didn't get the response they were hoping for but all walked away encouraged with how easy it is to share the good news. One student always thought it would be hard to witness to his friends but was surprised at how easy Dare 2 Share made it with the list of questions they were given to ask their friends. All in all it was an amazing weekend.
Last Wednesday we started our Love Out Loud series where we are challenging our youth to show love in action (loving out loud) During the next five weeks we will challenge them to put their faith into action in ways that are meaningful,practical and godly. We want to take Jesus outside the walls of the church and one way we will be doing this is by collecting box's of Mac N Cheese for help the homeless week at the Erie City Mission. So encourage your teenagers to Help The Homeless by asking their neighbors, grandparents and friends to give some mac n cheese to help the homeless. Adam and Sergio are willing to color their hair orange and white if we raise 2000 box's and I would love to see these guys with white and orange hair. So let's get out there and raise some mac n cheese!!!!!!!!

Up Date

2009-12-02T14:05:00.002-05:00

Well it has been nearly six months since I took over for Andy as Decisions Youth Director. While it has been a learning experience for me it has been an enjoyable one. I love teenagers and that is the desire God has reignited in my heart. It's about loving God and loving students. We have had a busy six months with Waldamere, bonfires, a canoe trip and some amazing new teaching. Paul Luciano, Adam, Donnie and myself have been taking turns speaking into your teenagers lives. We all have different styles which i believe keeps it interesting and fresh. Please feel free to come check us out any Wednesday night. We would love to have you.
We have allot coming up in Decision in the next couple of months. January we will start Dave Ramsey's "Generation Change" which will teach students how to be responsible with their finances, February 5th-7th is our Winter Weekend. We will be going to Columbus Ohio for the Blaze conference with a few thousand other youth and leaders. I believe this is going to be a life changing experience for us all. Also in February we will be teaching on Love, Sex, and Dating. We do this every February and probably should do it more often than that. We will be breaking up Jr High and Sr High during this month.
We are also going to be giving our youth room a makeover. It's time. We have already purchased furniture and some lighting but we have a few more things in mind. I'll let you know when we Begin this exciting new project (just in case you want to lend a hand)
That's allot of information in one post but as you can see it's my first one. I will do better to keep this page better updated.

Stacy

New Resource

2009-05-07T16:21:00.003-04:00

Hey Parents! I've found a new resource for you. It's a website www.growthtrac.com. It's a great Christian Marriage resource designed to strengthen marriages, grow you spiritually, give advice, and create community. Please check it out. They offer a free e-newsletter too.

Stable Marriages foster stable teenagers!

We also have quite a bit going on at Decision. I encourage you to check the blog as well as visit on a Wednesday night. Good things are happening. We're taking teens from Decision to Precision, connecting them to God, people, and serving!

Love you and pray for you!

Andy

2008-11-06T12:57:00.002-05:00

Hello Parents!!! I've updated the music and TV section a little bit more. If you have questions or something you think would be worth adding to the blog, please let me know.

I'm praying for you. We had a great Revolution Night yesterday evening. We had 52 teenagers and 5 salvations. It was great! God is so good! Thank you for those of you who are getting involved.

Talk to ya soon!

Dusting

2008-10-30T15:46:00.006-04:00

Hey everyone. This article below is actually an email I received. It's from a few years back, but it's still good to be aware of. Please read if you get a chance.

Latest Drug in Middle School - 'Dusting'

First, I'm going to tell you a little about me and my family.. My name is Jeff. I am a Police Officer for a city which is known nationwide for its crime rate. We have a lot of gangs and drugs. At one point we were # 2 in the nation in homicides per capita. I also have a police K-9 named Thor. He was certified in drugs and general duty. He retired at 3 years old because he was shot in the line of duty. He lives with us now and I still train with him because he likes it. I always liked the fact that there was no way to bring drugs into my house. Thor wouldn't allow it. He would tell on you. The reason I say this is so you understand that I know about drugs.

I have taught in schools about drugs. My wife asks all our kids at least once a week if they used any drugs.

I like building computers occasionally and started building a new one in February 2005. I also was working on some of my older computers. They were full of dust so on one of my trips to the computer store I bought a 3 pack of DUST OFF. Dust Off is a can of compressed air to blow dust off a computer. A few weeks later when I went to use one of them they were all used. I talked to my kids and my two sons both said they had used them on their computer and messing around with them I yelled at them for wasting the 10 dollars I paid for them.

On February 28 I went back to the computer store. They didn't have the 3 pack which I had bought on sale so I bought a single jumbo can of Dust Off. I went home and set it down beside my computer.

On March 1st, I left for work at 10 PM. Just before midnight my wife went down and kissed Kyle goodnight. At 5:30 am the next morning Kathy went downstairs to wake Kyle up for school, before she left for work. He was propped up in bed with his legs crossed and his head leaning over. She called to him a few times to get up. He didn't move. He would sometimes tease her like this and pretend he fell back asleep. He was never easy to get up. She went in and shook his arm. He fell over. He was pale white and had the straw from the Dust Off can coming out of his mouth. He had the new can of Dust Off in his hands. Kyle was dead.

I am a police officer and I had never heard of this. My wife is a nurse and she had never heard of this. We later found out from the coroner, after the autopsy, that only the propellant from the can of Dust off was in his system. No other drugs. Kyle had died between midnight and 1 AM.

I found out that using Dust Off is being done mostly by kids ages 9 through 15. They even have a name for it. It's called dusting. A take off from the Dust Off name. It gives them a slight high for about 10 seconds. It makes them dizzy. A boy who lives down the street from us showed Kyle how to do this about a month before. Kyle showed his best friend. Told him it was cool and it couldn't hurt you. 'It's just compressed air. It can't hurt you.' .... His best friend said so!

Kyle was wrong. It's not just compressed air. It also contains a propellant called R2. It's a refrigerant like what is used in your refrigerator. It is a heavy gas. Heavier than air. When you inhale it, it fills your lungs and keeps the good air, with oxygen, out. That's why you feel dizzy, buzzed. It decreases the oxygen to your brain, to your heart. IT KILLS YOU.

The horrible part about this is there is no warning. There is no level that kills you. It's not cumulative or an overdose; it can just go randomly, terribly wrong. IT'S NOT AN OVERDOSE. You don't die later. Or not feel good and say I've had too much.. You usually die as you're breathing it in. If not you die within 2 seconds of finishing 'the hit.' That's why the straw was still in Kyle's mouth when he died. Why his eyes were still open. The experts want to call this huffing. The kids don't believe its huffing. And that's why it's more accepted. There is no chemical reaction, no strong odor. It doesn't follow the huffing signals. Kyle complained a few days before he died of his tongue hurting. It probably did The propellant causes frostbite. If I had only known.

It's easy to say hey, it's my life and I'll do what I want. But it isn't. Others are always affected. This has forever changed our family's life. I have a hole in my heart and soul that can never be fixed. The pain is so immense I can't describe it. There's nowhere to run from it. I cry all the time and I don't ever cry. I do what I'm supposed to do but I don't really care. My kids are messed up. One won't talk about it. The other will only sleep in our room at night. And my wife, I can't even describe how bad she is taking this. I thought we were safe because of Thor. I thought we were safe because we knew about drugs and talked to our kids about them.

After Kyle died another story came out. A probation Officer went to the school system next to ours to speak with a student. While there he found a student using Dust Off in the bathroom. This student told him about another student who also had some in his locker. This is a rather affluent school system. They will tell you they don't have a drug problem there. They don't even have a dare or plus program there. So rather than tell everyone about this 'new' way of getting high they found, they hid it. The probation officer told the media after Kyle's death and they, the school, then admitted to it I know that if they would have told the media and I had heard, it wouldn't have been in my house.

We need to get this out of our homes and school computer labs. Using Dust Off isn't new and some 'professionals' do know about. It just isn't talked about much, except by the kids. They all seem to know about it. April 2nd was 1 month since Kyle died. April 5th would have been his 15th birthday. And every weekday I catch myself sitting on the living room couch at 2:30 in the afternoon and waiting to see him get off the bus.

New Stuff

2008-10-09T14:49:00.003-04:00

Parents!!! I hope all is going well for you. Decision is going well. We've got a lot going on right now. I encourage you to check out all the announcements on the student blog.

One of the announcements I wanted to let you know about is The Amazing Bible Race. This is a nationwide race for any youth ministry that would like to join with the goal of reading the entire Bible. The race is based off the reality show, "The Amazing Race."

Each youth ministry forms teams of 4-7 students. Each member purchases a $6 field guide that corresponds to one of the six sections of the Bible (It's a devotional for each chapter of the Bible). Over the next two years the teams will read the entire Bible in six, twelve week legs, while completing quizzes, hurdles, and challenges. Some of it is done online. Other challenges are completed as a whole team. Points are earned for completion of challenges and quizzes. After two years the top 10 teams win $500 to the mission trip of their choice, mission organization, or for the youth ministry.

I would like you to encourage your teens about participating. It's going to be a great way to actually read through the entire Bible, while building relationships those on your team. It's like a small group. Each week the leader of the team will contact each member to follow up on how they are doing and to plan when to get together for the challenges.

We will start no later than the first week of November.

Please check out all the details at www.amazingbiblerace.com
Or contact myself.

Media Central

2008-09-22T15:15:00.015-04:00

This area is to keep you up to date on the music, movies, television, and video games your children are into. Because there is so much media though I cannot keep up with it. Thankfully there are two sites that do a wonderful job; Plugged In Online and Al Menconi Ministries. I've placed both links below. Simply click and search for the desired media your looking to find out about. Plugged In Online is more thorough in the sense that they have info on just about every title whether music or movies. They also show all the new releases in each media category, which will allow you to stay up on teen culture

I've also place a link to a great online Christian Music Station and to our Decision Blog Music Section. I love the Blast.FM. It's got the best new stuff out. Our Decision blog will have the websites linked to the artist so you can check them out.

Any questions let me know. When new media comes out that really catches my attention I will post on it.

Plugged In Online

Al Menconi Ministries

The Blast.FM - Great Christian music online
Find this station on iTunes under radio, religious section

Christian Music (Decision Blog)

On The Big Screen

2008-09-15T15:39:00.010-04:00

This area is to keep you updated on what film makers are presenting your children. Below is a list of movies recommended by Plugged In Online. These are movies they found suitable for families. This is not an exhaustive list though. There are many more out there. I will add to the list as I come across more wholesome movies.

For reviews on current and past movies please click the link above the Recommended movies. Rather than me try to review the thousands of movies, many of them already have been on Plugged In Online. I encourage you to check the reviews of the movies you'll be letting your children watch. I also encourage you to watch the movie before you let them watch it. This will allow you to see if the review is accurate. Some movies, though under a heavier rating, have proactive themes and deal with issues you may want to talk to your child about. Others are just worthless. So be cautious and always take interest in what your child is watching. Any questions please contact me (Andy)

Current and Past Movies (Plugged In Online)

Recommended by Plugged In Online:
Anna and the King PG-13
Apollo 13 - No Review, but recommended
Ben-Hur G
Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius PG
Chariots of Fire PG
The Count of Monte Cristo PG-13
The Day After Tomorrow PG-13
Ever After PG
Finding Neverland PG
Fly Away Home PG
Galaxy Quest PG
Hoosiers PG
The Incredibles PG
It's A Wonderful Life NR
A Knights Tale PG-13
Life Is Beautiful PG-13
Little Women PG
The Lord of the Rings PG-13
The Mission PG
Mr. Hollands Opus PG
My Dog Skip PG
October Sky PG
The Princess Bride - No Review but Recommended
The Quiz Show PG-13
Remember the Titans PG
Rocky - No Review, but who needs one - It's a great movie
The Rookie G
Searching For Bobby Fischer PG
Second Hand Lions PG
Selena PG
Sense and Sensibility PG
Signs PG-13
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow PG
Spellbound G
Spiderman PG-13
The Spiderwick Chronicles PG
That Thing You Do PG
To Kill A Mockingbird NR
The Truman Show PG
Tuck Everlasting PG
Unbreakable PG-13
A Walk To Remember PG

On The Tube

2008-09-11T14:43:00.006-04:00

This area is to keep you updated on what your children are watching. Below are a list of current TV programs. They are placed under objectionable and OK based on reviews from Plugged In Online. After reading a review I encourage you to watch the program, so you can see for yourself if the review is accurate. Some programs though under objectionable have proactive themes and deal with issues you may want to talk to your child about. Others are just worthless.

Any questions please contact me (Andy)

Objectionable

Army Wives
Dexter
Eli Stone
Family Guy
Greek
House
Mad Men
MTV
The Return Of Jezebel James
The Secret Life of an American Teenager
Without a Trace
Wizards of Waverly Place

OK

Camp Rock

"5 Steps on Communicating with your teenager"

2008-07-17T12:25:00.001-04:00

Parents, take time from your schedules to talk with your teenager on a regular basis. As much as your schedules permit but make the time even if it is only once a week for an hour or so to get ice cream or a snack somewhere. Preferably go away from the house (it will make it easier for your teenager to open up to you in a neutral environment) and ask open ended questions (questions they can not be answered with a yes or no only) about their lives, friends and share personal stories with them. This is the time to hear their hearts on situations and for them to hear your heart on current events, family values, your heritage, and all the things that will reveal to them that you are not just a parent but a person that loves them and really has their best interest at heart.

Remember the most important thing is to be yourself and do not try to be cool, just be you.

1. Define the topic - Think through what you want to talk about and decide what you want to get out of the conversation…what is going on with a friend, grades, not cleaning the room, what are they saying in the music…etc.

2. Pick the right timing – Find time when you are both free, not a time when they are focused on a video game or talking on the phone. Try to set a time so the conversation can be focused on your topic. You could say, “I have some things I want your opinion on…Could we find some time this evening to talk?

3. Talk Clearly – State clearly what you are thinking, feeling or concerned about. You might start the conversation by saying something like: Lately I’ve been concerned about…, or lately I’ve been confused about… and then say as clearly as you can what is on your mind.

4. Ask for What You Want and ask for their opinion – This relates to step 1…Do you want to help your teenager, or do you just want them to listen and do what you want them to do? This will help bridge them from adolescences to adulthood.

5. Listen – Don’t get caught up in thinking what you are going to say. That will stop you from listening to what is being said to you. Also, by not listening the answer you get may not be what you are expecting and that makes the conversation useless.

If you were not able to get everything out in one conversation remember it is important to follow up with another conversation as new thoughts and feelings come up. You might want to start this by saying, "remember when we were talking about…, well since then I’ve been thinking…"

"Minding the Myspace Dangers"

2008-07-17T12:24:00.002-04:00

Talking to your children, even your adult children, about the dangers of posting personal information on the Internet is a must. Social-networking sites, like the extremely popular MySpace.com, can be a fun way to interact with friends and family. But most members don't realize that they could be exposing themselves to very dangerous and disturbed people.

MySpace has exploded, claiming millions of members. It's easy to use, and it has mass appeal. Anyone can join. But it's particularly popular with those in their early teens to late 20s. Because of its size, problems with pedophiles and lack of controls, it has developed a negative reputation.

So, let's look at MySpace. Anyone 14 and over can get a free account. All it takes is a valid e-mail address. However, there is no verification of a person's age. Once you sign up, you can customize your profile page.

Profile pages typically contain personal information. Songs, pictures, comments and friends' comments often are included.

Most importantly, there is a section to list friends who are also on
MySpace. You can point MySpace to your AOL, Gmail, Hotmail or Yahoo! address book to see if anyone you know has registered with the site. MySpace will list any members in your address book.

From that list you can send a friend request. The member receiving the friend request must approve it in order to be linked as friends. But you can also find new friends by searching MySpace's database for people with similar interests.

The member search function offers a quick way to locate registered users based on information they list in their profile. You can search by gender, age, marital status, location, ethnicity, body type, height, education, orientation, religion, income and even preference to having children. Obviously, this has great potential for someone seeking 15-year-old children.

A random search is an eye-opener for most parents. Underage members post pictures of themselves with friends drinking beer. Others write about their experiences with drugs. Frank and sexually explicit comments appear on friends' profile pages.

If you have teenagers, they may well have MySpace pages. Ask to see them. Objectionable pictures or comments can be removed. If your child is under 14, have the profile removed. Click the contact link at the bottom of the MySpace page. Complete the form and include your child's URL.

Your children must understand that anyone can see the information they post. Many youngsters have no concept that millions of people can see what they post. They also may not understand that anyone can pretend to be someone else. According to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children, each week an average of 50 children fall prey to online predators. This statistic is not limited to MySpace users, but covers the Web as a whole.

Young adults also make mistakes on these sites. I know of a case in which an employer checked job applicants on a Web site. He hired a person at a lower salary than he expected to pay. Why? She was the picture of confidence in her interview. But, on her page, she said she desperately needed the job.

Although MySpace and other sites like it can be a fun experience, remind your children that what gets posted on the Internet can have far-reaching consequences. The Web is a great communications device. But the dangers are undeniable. Parents must tackle this before something terrible happens.

The Center for Missing and Exploited Children reported more than 1,200 incidents last year of adults using the Internet to entice children. With numbers like that, you'd think parents would be hovering over their kids, wanting to know what they're doing online. But authorities say many parents are clueless about their kids' MySpace profiles.

"Teens & Role Models"

2008-07-17T12:22:00.001-04:00

By Michael Ross

What is a role model?

When we say someone serves as a role model, we mean the individual is someone others admire or try to emulate. For teenagers this often means the person is someone they want to be like — whether it’s because of the person’s lifestyle, athletic prowess or the attitudes the person shows.
Some of those role models are celebrities out of your teen’s reach (athletes and movie stars), while others are in his or her own circle of influence (youth ministers, teachers and other parents). What do those people have that make them attractive to your teen?

What teens crave

Why do teens look up to the other adults in their lives? Whether or not we like it, parents are sometimes considered the enemy. Teenagers might see their moms and dads as judgmental and unconcerned about their lives. Two qualities, therefore, are crucial to being a role model.

1. A role model is understanding, not condescending.
When 13-year-old Jenny seemed especially upset about a boy not liking her at school, her father said, “That’s nothing to worry about. You’re too young to even think about boys.” When the dad spoke those words, he was telling Jenny that her concerns were not important. Yet it was serious in her 13-year-old world. Role models try to connect with a teen to understand what he or she is going through. They do so without belittling the teen’s problems or downplaying the triumphs.

2. A role model is a friend but also a leader. We often think that to be a role model to our teenager we must know the name of every new movie or be able to use teenage slang. That’s not necessarily true.
While most role models understand the teen’s life and are friendly, they also take on a leadership role with them. Role models provide answers, insight or suggestions about the teen’s struggles — oftentimes from their own experiences.

How parents can be good role models

Be available. Let your teenager know your door is always open. While your son or daughter may not beat down your door every time he or she has a question, your teen is more likely to do so when you have left that door open.

Say phrases such as “I’m always here for you” or “I’d love to hear about your day.” Don’t apply pressure, but let your teen know you are there for him or her.

Listen to your teen. Being available to your teenager does not mean listening with one ear and then giving a long string of advice. Listen to your teen first, then ask follow-up questions. Don’t jump in with advice (even when you clearly see what should be done.

Being a role model to your teenager may seem like an impossible undertaking. But realize that your young person needs someone just like you — someone who loves him or her and who can point in the right direction.

Copyright © 2005 Focus on the FamilyAll rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Michael Ross, a former youth pastor, is a popular youth speaker and editor of Breakaway Magazine, a publication for teen guys by Focus on the Family.

"ADOLESCENTS IN CYBERSPACE: HOW SHOULD PARENTS BE INVOLVED?"

2008-07-17T12:21:00.000-04:00

By John Suler, Ph.D.

Although the Internet may be one-way adolescents attempt to establish themselves as separate, unique individuals who have a social world of their own, that doesn't mean parents shouldn't be involved. Exactly the opposite is true. As is true of all adolescent activities, they need at least SOME supervision to stay on track and avoid trouble. Some parents fall into the trap of a benign neglect. "My kids have to learn about computers. They have to keep up with the other kids. If they're sitting there typing away, it must be a good thing... so I'll just leave them alone."

But getting involved doesn't just mean supervising in order to avert trouble. The computer and cyberspace also can become an excellent way for parents and adolescents to have fun together, to get to know each other better. There will be a part of the adolescent -- maybe even a part that they try to hide -- that will love this.

Get knowledgeable and join in: To be most effective in supervising the adolescent's cyberspace activities, the parent needs to know something about the topic. You don't have to become a hacker yourself, but read up on the topic. Discuss it with other parents. Better yet, explore cyberspace yourself. Better still, talk to your kids about cyberspace and join them in some of their online activities. Cruise web sites together. Use a search engine to find people with your same last name. Build a web page for your family. Even hang out with your child and their friends in a chat room (for a short period of time, if they can tolerate your presence!). There are numerous possibilities.

Talk to them: The old warning "Do you know where your children are?" applies to cyberspace as well as to the real world. Ask them about their Internet use. What web sites are they visiting? To avoid an accusatory tone, ask them what web sites they LIKE and why. Sit down with them at the computer and let them take you to their Internet hangouts. Be curious, in a parental but congenial sort of way. Ask them about their cyberfriends, what they talk about, what they do on the Internet. Avoid interrogation. Instead, show them that you are interested in knowing more about their cyberfriends.

Acknowledge the good and the bad: Don't vilify cyberspace -- that will only alienate the adolescent. Talk about both the pros and cons. Show an acceptance of their cyberlife, but discuss some of the dangers and what steps they should take if they encounter unsavory situations or people.

Make the computer visible: Privacy is a tricky balancing act with the adolescent. They want and need some, but the parent must weigh that demand against the necessity of supervising their activities. Generally speaking, it's probably a good idea to avoid placing the modem-equipped computer in the adolescent's bedroom. Put it in a family area. That makes supervision a lot easier, and it also encourages computering as a family activity. At the very least, avoid the scenario where the adolescent explores cyberspace in his/her bedroom with the door closed. Keep the door open, with the screen visible from the hallway. Stop in every once in a while to inquire about what's happening in this intriguing little world of theirs. If they suddenly quit the program as you walk in, you know something is up. It may not be anything serious, but it's worth talking about.

Set reasonable rules: Parents don't let their kids stay out all night, watch any movie they want, or drive anywhere they want. Adolescents need rules. In fact, believe it or not, they secretly WANT rules so they don't feel out of control and unprotected by a seemingly uncaring parent. Set limits on when (e.g., after homework) and how much time they can spend socializing and entertaining themselves in cyberspace. Create rules about what exactly they can and can't do on the Internet.

Encourage a balance: Cyberspace is great, but there's more to life than that. Encourage the adolescent to stay involved in "real world" activities too. If there's something they really enjoy on the internet, find a way to expand that activity into their in-person life. Use the internet for school projects. Talk on the phone or do something together in-person with your good (trustworthy) cyberfriends. If they enjoy role-playing in MUDs, encourage them to get involved in theater. The goal is to avoid letting the adolescent isolate cyberspace from the rest of their life. Instead, INTEGRATE cyberspace into the rest of their life, and encourage them to develop non-internet activities too.

Softwarecontrols: There are a variety of commercial programs that can be used to monitor and control the adolescent's activities in cyberspace (see "other sites" at the end of this article). These programs can keep a record of web sites they visit, block access to particular web sites or programs, prevent files from being downloaded, and set limits on when and for how much time the Internet is being used. Of course, if parents want to install such programs they have to be fairly knowledgeable about computers. The programs aren't perfect either. There are loopholes, and a technically sophisticated adolescent will be able to defeat them. Probably the last thing a parent wants is an ongoing technical battle of wits with their child. If that happens, something has gone awry. Software controls are a TOOL in the supervision of the adolescent. They are not a substitute for talking and being more personally involved. In other words, they are not a substitute for a RELATIONSHIP.

Intervening with addiction: In her book, Dr. Kimberly Young describes some strategies for parents who need to help their children who have fallen into excessive Internet use. Don't try to take the computer away or ban them from using it. This strategy can backfire. Show your caring for the teenager's predicament. Assign an Internet time log. Don't enable adolescents by making excuses for them when they miss school or their grades start falling. Tolerate their emotional outbursts when you try to intervene. If all else fails, seek the help of a professional counselor -- ideally, someone who knows something about the Internet.

Discipline misbehavior/encourage humaneness: Most parents apply punishment when a child misbehaves in the real world. The same should be true of their cyberspace misconduct. If a parent discovers that an adolescent is harassing others online or attempting to hack online systems (a phone call from the administrators of the system or online community can be an eye-opener!), discipline is in order. Parents should try not to fall into the attitude of "Oh, it's just a cyberspace game. It doesn't really matter." It does matter. It's not a good idea to let adolescents treat other people online as if they are not really people. If an adolescent can apply compassion for others even in the anonymous world of cyberspace, they can apply it anywhere in life.

09/05/98

John Suler, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at Rider University and a practicing clinical psychologist. He has published on psychotherapy, mental imagery, and eastern philosophy. He currently maintains several web sites.

Copyright 1994 - 2007
Pioneer Development Resources, Inc.
All rights reserved.

"ADOLESCENTS IN CYBERSPACE: WHERE THEY HANG OUT AND WHY"

2008-07-17T12:20:00.000-04:00

By John Suler, Ph.D.

The newest street corners, arcades, and malls that serve as teen hangouts can be found right within the walls of the homestead. They are electronic mockups of the real thing -- accessed easily by the family's modem-equipped computer. For many adolescents these cyberspace hangouts are no less treasured or real than the "real" thing.

What draws adolescents to the world of the Internet? What are the benefits and dangers of their exploring this new realm that may very well become a cornerstone of the new millennium into which they will grow as adults?

To answer these questions, let's first consider some of the underlying, interlocking needs and motives of the adolescent. None of this is new or earth-shattering information. Psychologists and parents have known this stuff for quite a long time. However, these basic and familiar principles can be very comforting tools for understanding why adolescents do what they do in this seemingly exotic and strange land called cyberspace:

Identity experimentation and exploration-- Adolescents are grappling with who they are. Actually, we all are -- it's a lifelong process -- but for adolescents on the verge of leaving home and establishing their own life, it's a particularly intense issue. What kind of person am I? What do I want to do with my life? What kind of relationships do I want? These are heavy-duty questions... and some of the answers can be found in cyberspace.

Intimacy and belonging -- During adolescence, humans experiment intensely with new intimate relationships, especially opposite sex relationships. They look for comrades and new groups where they can feel a sense of belonging. All these relationships become a big part of exploring one's own identity. On the Internet, there is an almost limitless array of people and groups to interact with -- all kinds of people and groups with all kinds of personalities, backgrounds, values, and interests.

Separation from parents and family -- The adolescents' search for their own identity, relationships, and groups goes hand-in-hand with their drive to separate from their parents. They want to be independent, to do their own thing. It's an exciting process, and the Internet is an exciting place to fulfill those needs of a pioneering, adventurous spirit -- especially when your parents know almost nothing about the Internet! On the other hand, adolescents also are a bit scared about the whole separation/individuation thing. After all, relying on Mom, Dad and the old homestead does have some advantages. The fascinating thing about the Internet -- and perhaps one of the reasons why it is so enticing to some adolescents -- is that it neatly takes care of this ambivalence. Want to meet new people, do exciting things, explore the world? Want to stay home too? You can do both, simultaneously, on the Internet.

Venting frustrations -- An old theory about adolescence proclaimed that it is a period of "storm and stress." That theory may be a bit melodramatic, but the teen years certainly can be a difficult and frustrating period of life. The pressures of school, family, friends. What do you do with all those frustrations -- especially those sexual and aggressive ones that hormonal surges like to heighten? You need to vent it somewhere.... Welcome to the anonymous, easy to duck-in-and-out world of cyberspace!
Now that we have reviewed some of the things that makes adolescents tick, let's discuss some of the places where they like to hang out on the Internet. I'll break the rather complex world of cyberspace into four basic categories:

Web pages -- By this I mean documents or collections of documents that adolescents can read. It might be a short one-page description of a rock star, other teens' home pages in which they describe themselves, an article about the French revolution, or an entire online book. Web pages may also include pictures, video clips, sounds, and music. Web pages are, essentially, a vast multimedia online library covering almost any topic you can imagine.

Email dyads and groups -- Email is one of the most easy to use, flexible, and powerful means to communicate. It's more than just an electronic letter launched through the Internet. Rapid email exchanges are more like a conversation. Subtle and complex relationships can form through frequent email interactions. The email itself becomes a psychological "space" in which the adolescents live together. Email within a couple can create a very intimate, emotional relationship. Groups of people also can communicate with each other through email lists, also known as "listservs." For some people, the attractive feature of email communication is that you can't see or hear the other person. This may make the relationship feel somewhat ambiguous and anonymous.

Chat roomsand MUDs -- These also are a favorite for many teens. In a chat room, the adolescents communicate with each other in "real time." In other words, everyone in the group is sitting at their computer at the same time, typing messages to each other that scroll down the screen. Everyone can see the messages as people "talk" to the group, although it's also possible to send a private message to another person that the group can't see. In the multimedia chat environments, the text conversations occur in a visual room and the participants use tiny visual icons called "avatars" to represent themselves. Some adolescents like to present themselves in an imaginative way, by changing their name, age, identity, or even their gender. Some chat environments (e.g., MUDs) become a very intricate fantasy world where adolescents create all sorts of imaginative roles and scenarios. It's like a living novel complete with characters and plots, or a very elaborate Halloween party with its own idiosyncratic rules and culture. As with email, not being able to see or hear the other person makes chat a rather ambiguous and anonymous mode of communication -- especially since other people may not even know your real name, but just your username, which can be any imaginative name you choose.

Newsgroups -- Sometimes called by a variety of other names ("forums," "discussion groups," etc.), a newsgroup is like an electronic bulletin board. People connect to a specific site on the Internet and post messages to each other. Unlike chat, this is not a real-time conversation. Whenever you want, you can go to the site and read the messages that others have written. Each newsgroup usually is devoted to a specific topic of discussion. Usenet, the original home of the newsgroup, contains tens of thousands of groups devoted to almost any topic you can imagine. Some of these groups are the homes-away-from-home for many teens. Some websites also use this "bulletin board" format. Once again, as with email and chat, newsgroup posts can be a very anonymous style of communicating.

Video-conferencing is another newer feature of cyberspace. Using a video camera and microphone, people can see and hear each other as they talk. However, the expense and variety of technical problems associated with high quality video-conferencing makes it a much less common form of communication for adolescents. Usually, only more hardcore computer techies are up to the challenge. My guess, too, is that it's not as much fun for the adolescent as the more anonymous and/or fantasy-based modes of hanging out in cyberspace.
09/22/98

John Suler, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at Rider University and a practicing clinical psychologist. He has published on psychotherapy, mental imagery, and eastern philosophy. He currently maintains several web sites.

Copyright 1994 - 2007
Pioneer Development Resources, Inc.
All rights reserved.

"CYBER BULLYING SKYROCKETS "

2008-07-17T12:18:00.002-04:00

By Margaret Ross, Kamaron Institute

Approximately half of U.S. students are impacted by traditional bullying each school day. It happens on buses, in the cafeteria, gym, hallways, playground, and in classrooms. The most frequent form bullying takes is words (teasing, taunting, ridiculing, name-calling, and gossip - not blows). This type of bullying happens in the “physical” world and that world has time and space limits. Cyber-bullying is making school days even more painful for many children and some school staff. Bullying in cyberspace is not bound by school hours, school days, or facing the intended bully victim. Unfortunately, the perceived anonymous nature of the Internet often insulates the bully from the consequences of their damaging behavior.

As the number of households with Internet access approaches saturation and cell phone ownership expands to the 100 million mark, so do the ways kids bully each other. Cyber-bullying in the form of text messages, emails, photos, website postings can go school-wide in minutes and global in days. Slanderous information sent out into cyberspace is difficult, if not impossible, to expunge. Cyber-bullying often takes the form of cyber gossip, where damaging content is based on whim; not facts, and is posted on social networking sites such as MySpace and FaceBook.

Cyber-Bullying Getting Bigger: Studies indicate that cyber-bullying incidents have quadrupled in five years. A 2000 survey by the Crimes Against Children Research center at the University of New Hampshire reported 6 % of young people had experienced some form of cyber-bullying. In 2005, studies of 1500 Internet-using adolescents found that over one-third had been cyber bulled and half of those admitted to cyber-bullying others (Hinduja and Patchin, In Review.) A 2005 study by National Children’s Home Charity revealed that 20% had been cyber-bullying victims. A 2004 survey conducted by i-Safe America of 1556 adolescents found that 42 % had been bullied online.

How Cyber-Bulling Messages Are Communicated:

• Text or digital imaging messages sent on cell phones
• E-mails
• Instant messaging
• Web pages
• Web logs (blogs),
• Chat rooms or discussion groups, and
• Other information communication technologies

Cyber-bullying Perpetrators - It Is A Cycle:

Middle School and High School girls were about twice as likely as boys to display cyber-bullying behaviors in the form of email, text, and chat*
Middle School and High School girls were twice as likely as boys to report receiving email, text messages or chat room messages that teased, taunted, and ridiculed. *
62% said that they had been cyber-bullied by another student at school, and 46% had been cyber-bullied by a friend. **
55% didn’t know who had cyber-bullied them.

Only 20% cyber-bullying victims tell their parents about the incident.

Victims are most likely to tell a friend (42%).

**(2005, Kowalski et al., Electronic bullying among school-aged children and youth.)
* (2007, Kamaron Institute, School Surveys)

Ten Tips: Parents Cyber-Bullying Preemption

Consider installing filtering and blocking software, but understand clearly that proactive parents are the only real deterrent and the best resource for bullying preemption.
Keep your home computer(s) in easily viewable places, such as a family room or kitchen.
Model the behavior you want to see in your child
Talk regularly with your child about on-line activities he or she is involved in.
Set firm guidelines for cell phone use and monitor that behavior.
Talk specifically about cyber-bullying. Explain that that it is harmful and unacceptable behavior.
Outline your expectations for responsible online behavior and clearly explain the consequences for inappropriate behavior. Use the Cyber Positive Character Contract from this Kamaron site
Encourage your child to tell you immediately if he or she is a victim of cyber-bullying. Tell your child does not respond to the bully.
Stay calm. Plan in advance how you will calmly receive the news that your child is being bullied and the solution steps you will take. You will want the evidence. Tell your child to save the bullying messages or photo.
Call your child’s school; ask the principal what measurable, bullying preemption, activity-based programs they have in place today. Offer to serve on the group that expands the school’s behavior policy to include cyber-bullying behavior that disrupts the schools teaching and learning environment. Ask about results.

More tips and tools for parents and teachers are available at the Kamaron Institute Resource Center on this site: www.kamaron.org

Margaret Ross, president Kamaron Institute (www.kamaron.org) is a business, relationship, and bullying preemption expert. Ross is a frequently featured guest on America’s top radio shows.

"Why Sex Makes Us Feel Grown Up"

2008-07-17T12:18:00.001-04:00

By Susan Den Herder

I work in a store that sells (among many other things) fake cigarettes that send a cloud of smoke-like powder into the air when you blow into them. You may have already guessed that the customers who are most quickly drawn to them are the youngest ones. When kids try these clever toys and successfully send a first puff into the room their faces light up

It’s easy to see why sex would appear to be a quick fix in achieving these goals of development. Rather than actually engaging in more mature emotional relationships with peers (which would require work), why not engage in what seems like a very “mature” way to relate to another boy or girl by simply engaging in sexual behavior? Isn’t it also much easier to assert one’s masculinity or femininity by defining it sexually rather than exploring the mental, social, emotional and spiritual implications of one’s sexuality?

Why are they so excited by these imposters? I believe it’s because—despite the Surgeon General’s warning—young people still see smoking as something cool, hip and grown up.

I, too, as a child was victim to the allure of candy cigarettes and cigarette gum that blew powdered sugar into the air. I even cut drinking straws into cigarette length and pretended to smoke while I rode my bike (read: “drove my car”) around the driveway.

I was desperate to be adult-like, which was obvious by the games I chose to play: We played house and pretended to be mothers; we played dress up and clomped around in our mothers’ old heels and prom dresses; we went shopping at the fake grocery store; we taught imaginary schoolchildren how to read and write; we glued plastic fingernails to our hands…all in an effort to be, look or do something “grown up.” We spent most of our early years wishing we were older than we were.

However, as the years go by and young people reach adolescence it is no longer acceptable to play pretend. Suddenly the choices become much more real. Will I smoke a cigarette now that it could actually affect my health? Will I engage in a sexual relationship now that I could actually become a parent? Certainly, in the crazy years of adolescence, these decisions and their consequences do not seem quite so straightforward. However, it still seems that the desire to be/look/act grown up is a strong one, especially in the area of sexuality.

I distinctly remember the first time I saw a friend pull out her pack of The Pill. Frankly, I was in awe. I didn’t even agree with her decision to have sex with her boyfriend, but it didn’t matter. Somehow that little package of blue and white tablets made her seem so much more mature, so much more … sophisticated. What is it that gives sex a certain aura of sophistication? And, more importantly, are young women today misusing sex to assert their maturity?

In her book, Promiscuities, Naomi Wolf suggests that other cultures are much more intentional and successful at welcoming girls into womanhood with rite, ritual and celebration. Women in other cultures endure rigorous physical challenges, dance, sing and celebrate with their entire family and neighborhood for days on end when they arrive at the designated age.

On the other hand, Wolf describes what an American girl gets as merely an awkward conversation with her mother about blood and maybe a word about not getting pregnant. Subsequently, she proposes, American girls resort to sex as a way to assert that they have become women. Sadly, this is where the value in Wolf’s book comes to an end. Further conclusions center on a balance between promiscuity and experimentation. Still, the point remains that without healthy ways of expressing and celebrating their sexuality, young women may turn to sexual relationships as a way of affirming their developing bodies and souls.

A closer look at this stage of adolescent development offers more insight into why teenagers might turn to sexual relationships to assert their pending adulthood. In a fact sheet on the developmental tasks of adolescence, Daniel F. Perkins (University of Florida—Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences) presents eight developmental tasks facing adolescents as they “create a stable identity and become complete and productive adults.”

Five of the eight identified tasks seem particularly relevant to the discussion of sexuality:
1. Achieving new and more mature relations with others—both boys and girls—in their age group.
2. Achieving a masculine or feminine social role.
3. Accepting one’s physique.
4. Achieving emotional independence from parents and other adults.
5. Preparing for marriage and family life.

Meanwhile, young people shortchange themselves in significant ways if they take an instant-gratification approach to major life questions. The exploration of these questions—What do adult friendships look like? What does it mean to be a man/woman? How should I interact with my body? What do I believe? How should I think about being a father/mother?—is an exciting and imperative part not only of growing up but also of developing a coherent Christian worldview.

Belief and behavior come head to head in the adolescent years and young people are forced to make decisions based on what they have decided they believe apart from their parents. An intentional effort to seek answers through Scripture will not only contribute to one’s emotional development but will most definitely bring a young person to a better understanding of God Himself.

In reference to the goal of “preparing for marriage and family life,” Perkins points out: “Achievement of this developmental task is difficult because adolescents often confuse sexual feelings with genuine intimacy.” True intimacy, then, according to author and youth leader Dick Purnell, “includes all the different dimensions of our lives—yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing … I believe what we really want is not sex. What we really want is intimacy” (Sex and the Search for Intimacy).

Intimacy by that definition, however, is not easily achieved. And so we see young people desperate for intimate relationships using their bodies to achieve one in the quickest and easiest way possible. Purnell continues:

“One of our problems is that we want ‘instant’ gratification. When the need for intimacy is not met, we look for an ‘instant’ solution. Where do we look? Physical, mental, social, emotional or spiritual? It’s the physical. It is easier to be physically intimate with someone than to be intimate with someone in any of the other four areas. You can become physically intimate with a person of the opposite sex in an hour, or half-hour … But you soon discover that sex may only be a temporary relief for a superficial desire. There is a much deeper need that is still unmet.”

Young people can make disappointing—and even devastating—choices about sex and their bodies during adolescence. But what they’re really after is intimacy: lasting, committed, vulnerable, dynamic, holistic relationships. It’s easy to get frustrated watching a young person navigate their sexuality through the teen years, but it’s helpful to keep in mind that what they truly desire is to know and be known in the deepest ways.

This desire for intimacy can be achieved at home through loving family relationships in part, but during the complex years of achieving independence young people are likely to search elsewhere to fulfill these desires. And when they start looking at the world around them, they are likely to find in music, media and movies the message that cool, mature, sophisticated people have sex.

Look at Hollywood marriages (and break ups). Watch The OC. Check out a rerun of Sex and the City. Walk past any magazine stand at the grocery store or any window of Victoria’s Secret. You don’t even have to go as far as late night commercials and MTV programming to hear the voices of culture telling young people that adults—and cool, mature teenagers—have sex. “It’s simple, it’s casual, it’s no big deal.” Paula Rinehart offers a good dose of truth in her book, Strong Women Soft Hearts.

“Certainly, we have all suffered from the futile attempt of the last 30 years to make sex a stand-alone commodity—as though it can be gored of its emotional and spiritual aspects. Sex can be treated as something that is about as personal as two airplanes refueling—just another way to connect for the moment. But our humanity shows up, and the emptiness speaks of something wrong, something missing … No matter how much our culture tries to pretend, we cannot keep ourselves from realizing that sex has both context and meaning—that in a sexual encounter, we are standing at the edge of something holy.”

So what do we do with the young people we love and lead? Try to control what they watch and listen to during the same years they’re trying so hard to gain control of those very things? Probably not. Again, the central learning here is that the deeper need and desire is for intimacy. As fallen people, we are afraid of intimacy, afraid of being known, and afraid of making ourselves vulnerable before others.

As young people attempt to move closer to their peers, they will inevitably be hurt and want to retract and find other ways to scratch the itch for intimate relationships. We can discerningly offer them opportunities to take on more adult responsibilities and choices, communicate openly about God’s design for sex and its ability in the proper context to fulfill our desire for intimate relationship, and point them to the one God who can offer them true and perfect intimacy.

Sex is sophisticated. But not because it requires trips to Student Health for birth control or because it pairs well with cigarettes or alcohol. Sex is sophisticated because it is a complex, holy and intimate experience that engages us physically, emotionally … and spiritually.

Transitions

2008-07-17T12:15:00.002-04:00

By Amy Stephens

As a society, we do not help our youth transition to adolescence easily. The Jewish faith has the wonderful tradition of bar and bat mitzvahs, which are celebrations of passage. As Christian parents, we can encourage our adolescents simply by gathering trusted friends and family around them to create our own “rite of passage” celebration. I have friends who have given their sons actual swords, along with special prayers from people their sons admire. The purpose is to acknowledge this time of life and to assure your child that he is not alone. Adolescents need to know that there are adults who care about them and are cheering them on toward maturity.

Author and psychologist Michael Gurian talks about the “intimacy imperative” that girls have during this transitional stage of development. This is why girls hold hands with each other and hug one another openly while boys wrestle on the playing field. Girls have a desire for connection, intimacy and safety. When we acknowledge this, we can help our teen girls meet this need in healthy ways. Most adolescents try to have their needs met among their friends. How they act out that intimacy imperative — particularly without guidance from parents — can lead to trouble.

Gurian stresses that far too many parents abandon their parenting duties when their children transition to the teen years. Puberty is not miniadulthood. Many social scientists are decrying the trend of reduced parenting once a child hits middle school. Social research is actually saying that children need their parents, even if they don’t act like they do. A number of women tend to re-enter the workforce when their children become teenagers. However, in reality, the young teen years are frightening for children, and they need the stable presence of an adult.

Copyright © 2005 Focus on the Family All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Talking to Tweens About Love, Sex and Relationships

2008-07-17T12:14:00.000-04:00

Talking to Tweens About Love, Sex and Relationships" By Amy Stephens

Parents are often afraid they will lose control once their child transitions from the tween years to adolescence. Even parents who have close relationships with their kids often have a fear of pandemonium taking over their household.

There are important themes you will want to discuss before the transition that will open the door for further conversations when your child hits her teen years. These are:

the value of keeping our word
abstinence
strong self-concept to resist peer pressure
dangers of alcohol, tobacco and drugs
preparation for puberty
hormones and body changes
the importance of marriage
where babies come from

Strive to stay connected to other parents of tweens as well as to your child. Close connection and communication are crucial for the tween years so you won’t seem like a stranger to your child when she becomes a teenager.

One day my son Nicholas asked me what it’s like to be a teenager. I told him that his voice would deepen and that he would have to shave — the ultimate cool. I also shared with him that there would be spiritual changes along with his body changes. He would need to own his faith and resist pressure from his peers to make unwise choices. Nick smiled and seemed satisfied with my answer.

We’ve talked about other issues since then — such as dating — and the discussions are kept short, upbeat and direct. The conversations take place naturally while packing the car for a trip or making a run to the ice cream parlor. Nick knows that exclusive relationships are off limits but mixed group activities are acceptable during high school.

The key here is that I connect with my son, assuring him that he will not be alone during the changes he will experience. I want him to know that I will be there to coach him during the adolescent years and that he can come to me for a truthful answer on an issue. Sometimes I may have to say, “I don’t have the full answer to your question. Let me research it, and I’ll get back to you.”

When we are honest about what we know and what we don’t know, our children tend to think we are giving them the “real deal” about life. They are less likely to feel that we are merely reciting something we learned from a book — even though we are desperately trying to get all the facts straight. Children recognize when parents make the effort to connect and communicate.

Oral Sex is Sex, and Most Kids Don't Know It

2008-07-17T12:09:00.002-04:00

By Amy Stephens

There are important themes you will want to discuss before the transition that will open the door for further conversations when your child hits her teen years. These are:

the value of keeping our word
abstinence
strong self-concept to resist peer pressure
dangers of alcohol, tobacco and drugs
preparation for puberty
hormones and body changes
the importance of marriage
where babies come from

Parents Online

2008-07-17T10:49:00.009-04:00

Below you will Find a list of websites that will help you stay connected to youth culture as well as provide you with resources for parenting. Each website has a description of what it provides. On some sites you will find even more links.

Please let me know if any of them don't work or if you have a good site to add.

Al Menconi Ministries - Is full of helpful articles for parents of teens on things like music, movies, computer games, internet issues, and more.

Plugged In Online - A website designed for parents of teens and youth workers by Focus on the Family. It is full of movie, TV, and music reviews.

Phil Chalmers - This site is designed to help inform and educate parents about youth culture.

The Center For Parent/ Youth Understanding - This site contains valuable articles and resources on parenting teenagers

Focus On The Family - This is one of the most comprehensive family sites on the web. The focus on the Family web site contains numerous articles designed to help parents of teens.

Growth Trac - Christian Marriage Resource designed to strengthen marriages, grow you spiritually, give advice, and create community.

HomeWord - HomeWord seeks to advance the work of God in the world by educating, equipping, and encouraging parents and churches to build God-honoring families from generation to generation.

Kamaron Institute - This site is dedicated to business and education. It contains some good tips on Bullying.

Self Help Magazine - This is a selfhelp and mental health site. It has many articles covering many topics from children to adult.

Youth Specialties - This site is the definitive site for your youth pastors and youth workers. It is full of resources for ministering to teens. It also offers youth culture stats and other valuable information that parents of teens will benefit from.

Stop Cyber Bullying - This site is dedicated to the issue of cyberbullying.

Drug Free America - Drug free America exists to help kids and teens reject substance abuse by influencing attitudes through persuasive information.

XXX Church - This is a Christian Site dedicated to fighting pornography. It is probably the best Christian site out there concerning this topic. It is a place to get answers and personal help. It also has a free computer monitoring software called X3. This site is excellent.

Teen Hope Line - A Safe Place for hurting teens to go to talk to someone about the issues they are facing.

Hope In Anguish Radio - Excellent music resource.

The Blast.FM - Excellent online radio for teens.

Bible Gateway - Online Bible Resource

Tell Your Testimony - Basically a Christian Myspace. There are no secular or sexual adds like
you would find on Myspace or Facebook. Definately worth checking
out.

Tangle- A Christian YouTube. I love this site.

Dear Parents Lets Talk About Doing

2008-05-22T13:16:00.000-04:00

"Dear Parents: Let’s Talk About Doing" By Linda Klepacki R.N., M.P.H.

Our teens live in a sound-bite world. Born in the 1980s and 90s, they have grown up in a world of instant gratification. Information is instant. Teens cite the Internet as their most common instant-information source. Much of this information is brief; short on meaning and mostly devoid of orthodox Christian values.
Research, however, also tells us that teens listen to their parents. The number-one reason teens give for abstaining from sex is their parents’ disapproval. Given this truth, it’s a tragedy that parents are not also the primary information source for their teens. You love them—you should be the ones to tell them the truth about sex.
If you have not already begun to do so, how do you begin?

Beginning the conversation

Getting started is the hardest part. If teens sense your openness to talk—and listen— typically, over time, they will open up about sex and relationship issues. But, keep in mind how information is conveyed in today’s teen world: sound bites. Instant messages. Real time.
How can parents’ messages about sexual truth be delivered within the context of a teen’s world? At first, the same way other messages are delivered, through sound bites and instant messages. With such brevity, we need to keep in mind the most important points of the message. Teens need messages long on meaning and grounded in orthodox Christian values. In other words, no matter the process, it needs to be the truth.

Keeping it short

Being mindful of the what of the message, let’s tackle the how of the message delivery. Since we know that teens are used to information bites, our lessons should be short at first. This sound-bite delivery does not mean conforming to society’s standards. Rather, it involves relating to teens within their culture. As time goes on and trust and comfort levels increase, longer conversations often follow.
Watching and discussing a television program with your teen is one way to impart truth “bites.” Have a seat in the family room when your teen has a TV program on. If you hear a lie or you object to something within the program, address it right away. Probably sooner than later, your teen will either ask you a question or be very frustrated and ask you to leave. Either way, it’s an opening to further conversation.
Talking about sex, sexuality and God’s truth needs to be a constant stream of messages, some spontaneous and others planned. One talk is not enough.
Watching a video is another way to teach truth in short segments. Allowing your teen to make the movie selection gives you the added advantage of understanding his taste in programming. This information can be essential in counseling your teen concerning appropriate media choices.

Use teachable moments

Sometimes going out to a movie with your teen can provide you still more teaching opportunities. One inescapable place to talk to you teens is driving in the car. But be careful not to employ this technique each time you get into the car with your teen; you may find that you take a lot of car rides alone!
You also can find teachable moments at sporting events or concerts, when driving groups of teens to events, and in opening your house to your teen’s friends. Any of these occasions can allow you and your teen to observe behaviors and to share important truths. In-depth conversations about these instances might need to come later, but on-the-spot discussions will help to illustrate points and have a lasting impact.

Actions speak louder than words

Talking about sex, sexuality and God’s truth needs to be a constant stream of messages, some spontaneous and others planned. One talk is not enough. When children are small they accept our messages as truth. For middle schoolers, our actions speak louder than our words.
As children enter their teen years and beyond, we continue to speak the truth in love, and we begin negotiating with them. Negotiation can be a painful process for parents, but we must speak the truth and trust that ultimately God will lead our children through the thousands of decisions they make every day.
One additional note on modeling behaviors is needed and it can be a difficult issue to address. Given the reality of single parents due to death or divorce, being the lone adult in the household means even greater scrutiny by teens. Children, especially teenagers, instantly note discrepancies between what is said and what is done. Be very careful to “talk the talk” and “walk the walk” with teenagers. Otherwise, your words may be useless.

A final word

Many Scripture passages talk of the grievous nature of sexual sin, but in 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 God calls us to a higher plan. He calls us to live holy and honorable lives. This is the essence of sexual abstinence until marriage. We are not called to live as the rest of the world lives. God raises the bar by calling us to live chastely throughout our lives.
For Christians it is not only a matter of controlling our behaviors or even controlling our thoughts and feelings. We are called to exhibit a spiritual purity that comes from loving God and to allow this love to inform our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
When we live such lives, we model the truth of God’s word to our children. When our children live such lives, they bring honor to us as parents. But most importantly they honor God their Father.
This is our highest goal in life. Let’s reach together to accomplish that goal for ourselves and for our families.
Linda Klepacki is Focus on the Family’s Sexual Health Analyst